i feel so alone.

i feel so weak against this immense sadness.

i don’t have anyone right now. and i don’t know how to deal with this pain.

It’s almost dusk, and it’s this time of the day where most of the sadness sink in to me. It’s now my least favorite part of the day, the sun’s no longer at sight, and it feels like forever. I don’t want to think about it, about the pain I am carrying in my heart right now. I want to focus, focus with my coming major exams specially that dreaded Anatomy finals. But there are those little moments that remind me of the mistakes I made, the regrets, the memories comes rushing back to me. These past few days I always have been waking up at 4am at the sound of glass breaking, the alarm of my sister and I hate the sound of it. Because it reminds me of the pain and it strikes me again that it will never be the same again. It’s like I can literally hear the sound of my heart, shatter into a million more little pieces everyday.

But the wound is still fresh, I am still bleeding so I bet this seems normal. It’s just been weeks but it seemed forever. I don’t want to think about it often, it just makes me hate myself more.

YOU are all I have right now. be with me. Bring peace to my heart.

I miss you so much, I know we’ve never been this road before and it’s hard, really hard to walk through it without you but I know that we need this. I will do my best to make a better person out of this phase in our lives. But everyday is a struggle for me, to begin a new life different from what it used to be. I guess that’s how sacrifice counts, when you don’t know about the next thing to do but still you believe, you have faith that somehow beneath all the pain it will all be worth it. I don’t know how you are holding up right now but I know in my heart that you just feel the same, this seem hopeless but I can’t give up now. And I know you won’t give up. I bet this is the part of our lives where it is my turn to give, my time to sacrfice for you and for myself. It is such a big word for me, and I know that somehow it’s a strange feeling for m coz I never did this before. I have always worried, I have always been selfish.

I feel so detached with the world, with life.

It’s like the disinterest is growing. But at one point or another I’m not allowing myself to feel like the world was and everything beautiful in it was taken away because you left coz that’s not what i really feel.

It’s just the regrets are eating me alive and I don’t even want to remember coz it takes the life out of me.

I no longer wanna feel. If I could just self combust I think I already did at the first chance of it.

I AM LOST RIGHT NOW. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL. I just wanna DROP DEAD.

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn’t even know
Now there’s a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know that I’ve let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I’ll keep us together whatever it takes

She said “If we’re gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don’t hide the broken parts that I need to see”
She said “Like it or not it’s the way it’s gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me”

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know that I’ve let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I’ll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I’d be lost without you and never find myself
Let’s hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know I’ve let you down
And if you give me a chance
And believe that I can change
I’ll keep us together whatever it takes

Whatever it Takes by Lifehouse

Sometimes I just don’t know how to feel or how to react when someone is making epal with your relationship. You know people who can’t get a life, who are too much of a bitch that they can’t contain themselves. How may more of this will I take? how many more bitches will I meet? I’m pissed but I think they’d just be a waste of my time ranting about them. It’s just a matter of trust, that will make or break a relationship into a happily ever after or none at all. But it had always been easier said than done, when you’re in that situation wherein nothing seem to make sense except wanting to rip that person apart, but then again you come back to your senses and realize these were the things I was asking from God. To have a stronger relationship even if it would mean more trials that will test our faith with each other or rather my trust with him.

I was really sure I was not going to pass that fucking microbiology exam.haha

yea whatever. This sucks, I really need to concentrate more on things that REALLY matter.gahd I failed the quiz, our first quiz for the finals. This does not sound so good.  I need to do better or else I won’t be getting my slr.hahaha.

shoot. I hate failing.

I never realized how hard it is to answer when someone asks you about why do you love someone. It’s just that you try so hard to gasp for that sane answer but still you can never think of anything. I always though it was easy, but it was just now that I finally realized it wasn’t.

I think that really show’s how big love is, how infinite and eternal it is that no matter how hard or deep or how long you marvel at it’s mystery you can never quantify it because it is eternal just like God is because after all, God is love.

It never meant that if I wasn’t able to answer that question, it wasn’t love at all, it’s just that love is something infinite. It’s like someone will drown from it if just kept it within them, love is to be given away, with all our heart and our soul in whatever shape and size it may come.

One thing is for sure, that love will always be an enigma, and that we will forever be marvel and be awed by it’s mystery.

for you:

I don’t love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
Secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don’t know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.
- Pablo Neruda -

hello my dearest blog. i’ve been too stubborn to post something here thinking wordpress is sucha pain in the butt. but i guess it’s not that bad after all.

To my dear host, thank you for not deleting my account. I thought all the while that it’s no longer here since it’s been ages since I last updated but I’m glad that it’s still here, not that alive but still here.

Today is our rest day after our very busy foundation days. This year’s celebration was great, the’ve really prepared for it and the presentations were very good, and since I did not present in any of the programs I decided to join this akma-challenge. It’s kinda like the amazing race. It was very very exhausting but I enjoyed, although we lost, I had fun:) and i rappeled twice. I never tried it before so I was hesitant at first but not like a scaredy cat.haha.

Yesterday had not been very good. I felt weird having my hair up and having to wear those pesky hairnets. I don’t know if I will absorb or will get used to the pressure this course is giving me. And I really don’t know if I will get out of this tunnel alive, but I think as of now I’m not yet on the verge of jumping of a cliff but I can feel the strong winds beyond that horizon and only the tough can go up higher and reach whatever is up there. What is up there anyway? I worry about myself and just about a million more things at this phase in my life. About myself, my studies, my relationships with that someone and with my friends, my family, the society, && just simply this life. Too big of a world, so little me. It’s just sometimes you don’t know where to start or you just don’t know where you’re heading that you just decide to stop and stagnate at some point in your life, but I’m youg for godssake. This is no time for giving up. Yes of course this tough world just sometimes can get you to your knees but that won’t be a very good end won’t it? Everyday, everyday, everyday is an opportunity to learn, to love, to laugh, and to live. I guess that is one of the most famous and most overused used word nowadays.Live, laugh,love yeahright whatever!haha. I don’t know if that is absorbed in people’s mind, including mine, the real meaning of it not just a mere BLAH. 1:52, the time on my laptop, I still feel like blabbing coz it’s been a while since I typed so much whatevers in a blog. I pray I’ll stand strong in whatever may come. Everyday is a struggle, but after a while when we learn to live then it no longer is one. I don’t want to be so weary of everything, (coz I’ll get wrinkles at an early age.haha) I hope I can take it easy and not to stress myself.

BREATHE just breathe no one wants to hear it anyway.

Live one day at a time..

one at a time.

I wish I’d be able to do that. It had always been easier said than done.

Well this is life. This little girl will always be awed by your mystery.